Dear Dating Coach,
I have a medical condition that is invisible to the eye. Growing up my parents were very careful to keep my condition a secret and it has mostly been a non-issue. I am starting to date now though, and I am wondering what to do about this “secret” of mine. I do not want the whole world to know and I’m not even sure I want my chosson to know. I have it mostly under control so it’s something I would prefer to keep to myself. I feel guilty when I think about doing this though, because it feels like a “lie.” I am curious to know what you think!
Secret Keeper
Dear Keeper,
I love a good fair. While, I will gladly skip the Ferris Wheel, I love the other rides at the fair, and the fabulous, and ridiculous prizes that you can try to win. (Who doesn’t need a four-foot tall stuffed gorilla?!) I like the “ding, ding, ding” of people winning prizes, and the wooden (read: rickety) small roller coasters that look like then have seen better days. But my favorite game to play at the fair is whack-a-mole. There are these pesky, yet adorable moles living in these little holes who pop up at random. The objective of the game is for you to hit as many moles as you can as fast as you can to earn points. (You need that gorilla!) Unfortunately, for even the savviest player, those moles pop up quickly and more than one or two at a time, making it impossible to catch every single one. You can try. Yet, those moles win every time.
I Can Totally Keep a Secret…
It is exciting to start dating and I am so glad you are preparing yourself for this process, both emotionally, and practically. You have until now lived with a medical condition that you have largely controlled and kept secret and you wonder what your duty is to disclose now that you are dating. You worry about “lying,” but also feel a strong need to preserve your privacy. Can you just keep this a secret? At least until you are married?
It’s The People I tell Them To That Can’t.
I need you to think about whack-a-mole. I need you to picture the game I described. An impossible game to master. That is what you are proposing. An impossible solution to an issue you kept private all these years. Secrets never stay secret. Instead, they fester, pop up at the most inconvenient times, and cause long-term painful damage, especially in a marriage. This does not mean that you need to take an ad out on a billboard. It does not even mean that you need to tell your good friends. Yet, it is something that needs to be told. The “when” and the “how” can be discussed with your rav and your family. A rav can guide you on when to share your medical condition and with whom. BUT the idea of entering into a marriage without sharing this information, is a game of whack-a-mole waiting to begin.
At the same time, it might be prudent to explore why you have kept this secret. Sometimes we are conditioned to be ashamed, embarrassed, and diminished by those who love us best because they worry about shidduchim, or perceived judgment they imagine you will face. To enter into a marriage however, when you have not been honest is wrong and can ultimately hurt you both deeply. Take a moment to explore what secrets you have held onto and why you have held onto them. If you are sure that your own privacy has been the catalyst, then a rav can certainly guide you. If, however, it has been misdirected shame, it might be time to rethink what is hurting you more; your medical condition, or the secret itself.
